Are you feeling stuck in your sex life?
Do you desire better sex in your 40s, but instead have sex that is habituated, boring, disconnected, unsatisfying, non-existent?
Before we go any further, I want you to know that I hear you.
I was in the same place 4 years ago due to 8 years of marriage, two children, work, a hysterectomy and a house renovation. My nervous system was swinging between fight and freeze, and my sensual life had become boring, formulaic and quite frankly at the bottom of my ‘to-do’ list.
I felt dried out, brittle, and stuck in my masculine energy – constantly doing, pushing, striving, and living an extremely busy, high-stress life with absolutely no time for pleasure, playfulness and ease.
As a result, I was disconnected from my own body and this played out in the intimacy I was available for in my marriage.
Better sex in your 40s is absolutely possible!
My first step was not to go out and buy sexy lingerie or a new sex toy.
It was to learn to slow down, intentionally open to moments of pleasure and rebuild intimacy with my body.
This required a commitment to inhabiting more of my feminine energy. Reorienting from the masculine push, strive and outward focus of life, to inner sensations of flow, playfulness, softness and curiosity.
Stress hormones versus sex hormones
If this sounds unattainable or scary, I understand.
Surrendering can feel counter intuitive when you’re used to being in control.
When you spend most of your time in your productive masculine you get stuck in overdrive and override. Subsequently your body over produces stress hormones. When your body is busy producing stress hormones it simply can’t produce the sex hormones needed to slow down, relax and open up.
How can feminine embodiment help?
Better sex in your 40s might start with allowing and embodying the feminine energy within you. This may be the first time they’ve done this, or something that’s become a somewhat forgotten art.
Connecting with and exploring your own body, in both sexual and non-sexual ways helps you understand what brings you pleasure, relaxes you, and gets the oxytocin flowing.
In a non-sexual context this could look like inviting more pleasure into your life to down regulate your nervous system. Perhaps you might desire to…
Spend more time resting.
Slow dance with yourself.
Stretch, arch, move your hips in non-linear, body led movements that feel natural and alive.
Connect more with nature.
Say YES to more fun.
Open up to moments of playfulness and spontaneity.
Explore what you need to feel safe, relaxed and able to surrender.
In a sexual context you might desire to…
Explore how and where you like to be touched on your body. Do you prefer light strokes or firm massage. Does it feel good to touch your neck, your inner thighs, your arms, hands, feet, breasts, buttocks, stomach?
Allow images and fantasies to play out in your mind.
Experiment with sensual stimulation and what turns you on…is it touch, scent, sight, taste or sound?
Become more intimate with your vulva without orgasm being the sole goal! Can you be present with yourself and slowly explore your vulva with curiosity, compassion and zero agenda, other than what feels pleasurable?
Power in your pleasure
When you open to pleasure on your own terms and in your own time, you step into your feminine power. In turn this builds knowing, confidence and connection, which invites deeper intimacy with your chosen partner.
Your body is capable of immense pleasure and wondrous sensation.
When you discover and embody this power, you’re more empowered to communicate your desires and enjoy better sex in your 40s.
