As I write, I have mum rage at my son. My son who (since turning 13) is merrily pressing all of my buttons in a way that feels reminiscent of his toddler years.
And in many ways it is. His developing brain is once again seeking more independence, a separate identity and a desire to push the boundaries.
However, whilst similarities exist, there’s also a stark difference. Mainly the way that I’m able to hold, process and communicate this rage; which feels starkly different to the way I processed it (or didn’t) when he was a toddler.
A realisation that fills me with equal measures of gratitude, pride, sadness and grief.
You see, whether we’re mothers or not, ideals of motherhood (nurturing, forgiving, sacrificing) become central to how women view anger.
We’re told motherhood is an experience that’ll make us happy, grateful and fulfilled. Whilst that’s true, we’re rarely told about the extent of stress, frustration, exhaustion and rage that also emerges.
For me, this heady mix arrived full force after the birth of my second child. When my exhaustion and overwhelm pooled into a pot of simmering rage that would explode whenever my eldest son pushed me ‘too far’.
This rage would surge through my body erupting in verbal explosions of blaming and shaming. Turbulent emotions mixed with words that were too harsh and advanced for my son to comprehend. Words that would frighten us both.
In those moments I would lose myself, and then come out the other side wracked with guilt and intense self-loathing.
Even now it can be hard to share, and I still feel the residue of shame and failure for being less than a ‘perfect mother’.
However, I also know that shame dies when we have the courage to share our stories.
And when the personal shame relents we can see mum rage for what it is.
A complex mix of unmet needs and traumas that we experienced in childhood. Plus the pressure of patriarchy that’s destroyed the village of maternal support and created expectations of motherhood that are restrictive. Not to mention reductive and downright oppressive.
When we can come together to share the truth of our experiences, we can begin to unravel our shame and heal our rage.
Healing Mum Rage
It was the desire to heal my own rage (mum rage, daughter rage, spouse rage) that inspired me to seek help and heal from incredible coaches and mentors. It as my own healing that eventually inspired me to write my Sacred Rage Programme.
A 1-2-1 coaching journey for people-pleasing women who are ready to create fearless boundaries, navigate conflict with confidence, and make bold decisions that honour who they are; by learning how to embrace and embody their Sacred Rage.
If you’re ready to heal your own rage, I’d love to chat more with you.
In the meantime, if you have any tips for navigating teen years, send them to my inbox ASAP!
